Reminiss whatdimiss

This is the lonely time of the evening.  Many times, sitting here, dreading going back to Grace House I pretend that my past is my present loosely forming a future of coulda beens and if only I had gone right instead of left.  It's like regret with a broader imagination...kinda like the dreams one has when they are asleep...extra bright, impossible and barely connected to reality.

I think about "what would my life be like if I hadn't messed up my marriage...that one is almost too big to hold but for a moment since my daughter, happy and playful and in my arms, plays a major role in it. 

I think of what if me and she were still together, but together the right way without all the violent upheaval and the tearing… and the waste.  She is the love of my life and the regret there, between her, her kids, my child and me, is the freshest. 

My life is a series of bad choices and missteps.  I almost feel that I was born of a bad choice, which rests in my DNA like sickle-cell does in my Cousin John's.  At times I have almost been incapable of making the right choices...and so many have been hurt by my blowing it. 

(I am trying an experiment right now, taking the focus off of me, giving a spiritual sacrifice to a child that I hurt and praying for healing and to be disciplined enough to see it through.  God help me.)

In my dream I am standing at the edge of a park with slight rolling hills on a day in the middle of spring when the birds sing and the blossoms on the trees are the most fragrant and life is new.  I am spiritually, financially and emotionally secure, thin, and happy watching my family play with abandon in front of me, smiling back at me because I provided for them this life.  That has been my dream for soooooooooooooooooooooooo long that it almost seems like something I saw on a T.V. screen...something that I would have love to have been a part of...like one of those car commercials.  But then I look around, and my life aint nobody's commercial...its just reality and regret.  Security and Love...that, I suppose, is what I missed...