There are times when I feel so utterly useless. Times when I wish I had the money and where-with-all to do the things I need to do...that I want to do.
I want to drive my own car, the wind cutting through one window to cool my face and flowing through another. I want to just be able to go when and I where I want when I want, beholden to no one. I want to drive fast over highways and country roads. I want to smell the gas fumes as I fill up my car and feel the glow inside that that knowledge brings me. I want to go to the store and antique shops and truck stops and art supply stores and Home Depot just to get out of my car, go inside then come out clicking my alarm button so everyone near will know "that's right, this is my car!"
I need a house of my own. To laze around-Saturday afternoons, dinner parties, bathtub, mowing the lawn and waking up in my own bed not made of a cot cushion. My snores the only snores echoing in my bedroom, waking up and going to the bathroom with no worries about 30 other men stinking up the joint or me getting Athlete's foot every other month from their poor hygiene. A place where my family could come and visit AND STAY! Wake up when I want, go to bed when I want, watch what I want on my T.V. Closing and locking my doors so I can be at peace in my sanctuary.
I want to have my own money...for real money. To afford to live and give...shoot I would give most of it away. I just want to afford to go when I am needed and help those who need help without reservation. To build up the Church and people of God. Take a bunch of Homeless kids to Toys R Us before Christmas and tell them to fill their carts and not have to worry about what the price tags says. To provide nice things for my family and friends and to smile when they open gifts with out the worry of having more month than money. J.C. Penny was reported to live on 10% of his income and gave the other 90% away...I want that life!
I want to strike those who hurt my brothers and sisters with the words and seething rage of a Samuel L. Jackson's Jules in "Pulp Fiction", some Ezekiel 25:17 heat. Those who look at us with contempt, fill their bellies with our food, wipe there mouths with our important papers and laugh at our impotence. Those who are supposed to care for us that demoralize and kick us while we are down...who hurt us. I want to rage against you! I want to stand in the gap and tear your house down brick by brick until you are standing there exposed for who and what you are. Your treachery leaving you naked so that our children will never feel ashamed by anything you do or say to them ever again.
I want to love a woman, fully and completely. Provide for her and our family. Wake up next to her and just be quiet, smiling at the gift that God has blessed me with. And then watch as she opens her eyes and smiles at me...free of worry and care...knowing she has security, that she is safe with me. I want her to trust me with her heart as I will trust her with mine, complete and unconditional, unconditional love. I will need her to be subject to only One before me, and here on this planet the two of us, up down or sideways, will be as one.
(Why am I hearing Tevye singing "If I were a Rich Man"?)
But, that is not the life I have...I will still give of my lack, and love in my want. Hoping and praying that I am remembered...Oh God, please remember me for the good.
