Burning Bridges ~ Ability vs. Capability

We had gentleman come to the gates today that had left somewhat 'unceremoniously' a few months back.  I had had personal issues with this man while he was staying at Grace House and seeing him at the gate was off putting to say the least.

This ex resident was a pot stirrer.  You see; living in the shelter environment means that you have to, consciously, choose to get along everyday.  What made you upset, what made you angry, what made you down right evil in the world you can't, can't, can't indulge those passions here.  Those who do generally get a wakeup call and either become a part of the community or end up expelling themselves from this community.  At Grace House you become in danger of receiving a non-compliance write up for not following the rules, garner 5 non compliances and you just might be heading out the door.

Well this individual was Houdini; he had to have had 10 non-compliances written by the R.A. staff on him and several grievances written by the other residents.  And, for some reason, much to the frustration of the residents of Grace House, this man stuck around like a bad penny.  He had hygiene issues, would bring food into the dorm area (which is a huge problem since we work diligently to keep down the bugs in the shelter, especially where people sleep and keep their clothes), would cook raw food in the microwave...I mean raw meat here, and was generally inconsiderate of everyone else's thoughts and feelings.  But as I said earlier, his main issue was that he liked to stir the pot.  Anything and everything was an excuse for an argument (and for such a small man, his voice carried over EVERYONE else's).  He was a verbal fighter and when he wasn't fighting he instigated arguments between others (they call that 'throwing salt' here in South).  I remember a particularly nasty row that he started between a fellow resident and me that almost led to the police being called.  And when things were just about cooled down- here come pot stirrer with a big ole stirring spoon setting tempers ablaze again.  To say that the R.A. staff went after him after this would not be accurate, but we gave him enough rope and sure enough within a week he was gone.

I said all of that to point out the strangest fact in the Shelter environment.  Those who have the most to lose tend to be the biggest problems.  Beyond drugs and alcohol, this contentious spirit that many have when they come to the shelter will get you put out faster than a wet dog in a clean kitchen.  Honestly, we all (ALL OF US) have to wrestle with personal demons...but those who are compelled to sabotage the most stable and loving relationships everywhere they go - as if they cannot stop themselves- have always been curious to me.  And again, beyond the toll of drug or alcohol addiction in many instances, these guys are in full control of their mental faculties...why destroy everything in your wake...leave nothing but smoldering ash?

My good friend & Life Transitions Expert, Ms. Rachel Milano, has helped me to piece this puzzle together. 

There is a joke where a man is sitting on his porch when the flood is coming.  A neighbor drives up in a car and tries to get the man to go with him to safety.  But the man adamantly brushes him aside, stating; "I'll be alright, The Lord is going to save me!"  Well, sometime later,  the flood has covered the full first floor of the man's house and he is seen sitting on the sill of  his second story windows.  A motor boat rumbles by and stops and the man is asked to get into the boat where he will be taken to safety...but again the man rebuffs the rescuers by saying; "I'll be alright, The Lord is going to save me!"  Sometime later the magnitude of the storm has increased tremendously and the man clings for dear life to his roof.  A helicopter fights its way through the storm in a desperate attempt to save the man.  A rope is lowered with a trained rescuer hanging from it just out of arm's length of the man.  Frantically the rescuer begs for the man to take his hand...but sadly, he is rebuffed again and again by the man who screams into the storm; "I'll be alright, The Lord is going to save me!" A mighty gust of wind swirls around the helicopter and they must withdraw.  Of course, the man dies.  So when he arrives in Heaven and stands before the Lord, his expression is pretty sour.  "What is wrong my child?" The Lord asks.  "Well, Lord...I thought, I believed that You would save me from that flood and low and behold You let me die."  The Lord looks at the man incredulously and says; "Son, I sent a car, a boat and a helicopter to save you...what else did you want Me to do?"

You see this joke presumes something that isn't verbalized.  The joke assumes that the man was 'capable' of accepting the help that was given because he had the "ability" to reach out to the help that was given.

The scenario that Rachel used that really opened my eyes was the problem of a woman who had been in an abusive (emotionally, physically and mentally) relationship with a drug addict for more than 20 years.  The woman knew she needed to break free from this relationship but her "capability" to leave the situation was all but destroyed.  She was wed to this man, had kids, had been beaten down and didn't feel herself worthy of anything else and was frozen when she tried to turn the door knob of the door…by the prospect of 'if I don't make it, what will he do to me then..." .  And to throw more salt in her wound, she still clung to the belief that some way, somehow her love could still save this man.  So this sister is probably dealing with past abandonment issues herself (Remember Tina Turner in "What's Love Got to Do With It?"), with years of abuse stacked on that had destroyed her self esteem.  The whole cycle of relationship that she knew was Honeymoon, build up, explosion, pseudo - contrition (if you just didn't do this, you know how angry that makes me...) then Honeymoon (and the Honeymoon doesn’t last so long anymore).

Without real and immediate outside help and support, the fact that this woman has two hands to turn a knob and two legs to walk away seem almost immaterial.  We tell her "Girl, you need to get away from him!"  But how, how does she embrace that rationale?  She cannot grasp that reality; it is not part of her perspective anymore.  She has "ability" to leave but down to the fiber of her soul, her "capability" may just be a shadow if it exists at all.

Sometimes, we all come to mountain that we cannot climb...while others happily mount and overcome the obstacle with ease.  Sometimes our addictions and/or upbringing/experiences render us the abused wife, the man on the roof...or the chronic bridge burner… until nothing is left in us or for us.

This man comes back to Grace House not to cause more trouble but because for a little while, in his heart, this place felt like home.  But the problem is, he is the scorpion trying to cross the river.  He asks the frog to give him a ride and the frog says no, you will sting me.  The scorpion gives the frog his word that he will not.  So they start to cross, and low and behold halfway across the river the scorpion stings and mortally wounds the frog.  The frog, dying, says why did you do that, now we both are doomed.  The scorpion replies just before going under the waves;  I am sorry, I am a scorpion, it is in my nature.

Guarding the Guardians

this will be a short post.

Quis custodiet ipsos custodes? who Guards the Guardsmen? 

For the Homeless, the question is necessary and desperately needed.
Who is making sure that the goods, money and services that you, the Public, give to the shelter system is being allocated for the Homeless? 

We are going to take time to point out what we see as  those who give wholly and generously and those who take and take and take.

We will shine the light on abuse and neglect within the system and endeavor to never deviate from this path until all the needs of the Homeless have been met and society is satisfied.

short post.