This is, at times a very frank discussion on this topic – if you are easily offended, I would ask that you read no further.
I have been introspective lately, taking some inventory and seeing, unfortunately, how often I have completely fallen woefully short of the mark.
Regret is baggage that we all carry after a certain age (whether we want to admit it or not) and I believe that in some ways regret is good. Regret can lead us to the point of identifying times in our lives when we should have turned left instead of turning right. Regret shows us, as we approach that same fork in the road, the better way to turn this time.
This point strikes even closer to home when you have children…and doubly so if you are a man and your child is a young woman (I believe.) Regret can then be turned into an object lesson that (prayerfully) our children can hear and learn from before going down that same broken path.
One of the lessons that I hope to teach my child is that sex, no matter how wonderful in the moment it is, is a panacea for nothing…and at times can even cause much hurt and devastation in our lives and in the lives of others…at times causing wounds that can be permanent.
I grew up an overweight child, craving love and affection that I got sporadically for various reasons (my mother was/is dealing with often crippling illness and my father just never was around). The lack of affection dug a deep chasm within me that I tried to fill with food (and sadly still do at times even now…old habits…). Yet food had no arms to hold me so that plan was, ofcourse, doomed to failure.When I was halfway through High School, I experienced a growth spurt coupled with hanging around with a group of guys that really liked physical activity I leaned out. In fact I had transformed so much between my tenth and eleventh grade years that I was hardly recognizable. Yet it took me a couple of years to figure out that I was suddenly attractive to the opposite sex and even longer for me to actually engage in sex. But after my first experience I was like a caged animal unleashed and I craved sex like a fat kid wants cake.
And, in retrospect, I pursued like-minded women – hurt, lonely, most of them having had their sexual selves awakened prematurely through acts of coercion and/or violence (as I had been at the age of 7). Just to clarify, I did not put two and two together until a few years ago where a very good friend pointed this fact out to me. I had convinced myself up to this time that I was “one of the good guys” finding and helping (at least helping them feel good) little lost birds that needed care and affection…what a joke. I never took sex from anyone, but I could seduce and ply. And by the end of the night there I was getting my feel better on with someone that I barely knew, and generally wouldn’t try to get to know any better after that point. Looking back, I know realize that the women I was with were pursuing healing in the act as much as me. “Maybe if I put myself out there like this someone will genuinely love and care for me”. So here we were two hurting people hungry for the comfort that intercourse seemed to promise. The awful truth was, we only ended up coming away from the experience a little more diminished, a little emptier than we got naked. To paraphrase Chris Rock, My penis was no more a syringe full of medicine than was her vagina a cast for my brokenness.
Sex can’t heal anything independent unto itself. Sure there is physical release and the endorphins and the closeness of another person and all that noise. But there is no healing in the act, and out of the context of a loving, committed relationship, it becomes a desperate, repetitious ride on a ship of fools. How many of us can truly say that after a casual sexual encounter that we parted with that person and ourselves better people for it? Were we released from the emptiness in our spirits for good, finally satiated …or were we soon back out and about trying to quench that awful hunger with just one more sexual conquest.
And what does this repeated throwing our bodies on the crap table like worn out dice do for sense of self, our purpose, our plans, our esteem, our spirit and soul? Even the most nymphomaniacal among us (and I have serious doubts about the motivation behind the claim of sex addict) have to admit one certain point…You can love sex, but sex can’t love you!
I have been burned (in most every sense of the word) by my continued casting into that stormy sea, and worse, have hurt many in the process (not just the women I was with but at times my and their friends and family as well). This kind of encounter is like filling a hole up in your backyard, inviting friends and family over to admire your handiwork while there is a ticking time bomb sitting in the bottom of the hole ready to explode. And explode it will and always does. And here you are standing on the fill dirt. The crazy thing is, you can never tell what is going on UNDER the hole…are you next to a gas line…or cesspool? How bad will the fallout from your actions be, and how far reaching will they be?
(Ofcourse I am speaking from my point of view here…many of you may disagree so feel free to ignore whatever I post here.)
Again, sex outside of a committed, loving relationship – a relationship where there is mutual respect, give and take, trust, care and appreciation – one that requires real, substantial investment (and that means the scary kind of investment that will cost you if lost…it’s ok, true relationships should always have a little fear mixed in, a hint of the possibility that this other person is so worth it and desirable that if you don’t bring your “A” game you could lose that person!) I.E. MARRIAGE (I know I will take some heat over that) breeds contempt. Many times contempt is found in silence, not being able to – or wanting to – communicate without the pain of the post-coital rejection surfacing like Jaw’s fin. This includes those awkward and often painful silences that make the air so heavy that everyone around you feels it, feels the chill (boom).
Sex (even phone sex, internet sex and masturbation) sends out “feelers” during the act, trying to find real connection with the other person. We ache for connection on other levels than just the physical; spiritual, emotional, mental trying to find some sameness, some unity. But when those connections return unfulfilled what follows is awkwardness, pain, bitterness, anger and shame. Look, we are human beings, and yes our parts are made to fit together to bring mutual pleasure. But does that give us the right to try to plug into every available (and unavailable) outlet within our proximity? Isn’t that selfishness? Isn’t that immaturity? Is that pathetic to anyone else out there but me? Yes we are people; spirit wrapped up in flesh, what happens when we treat ourselves like the end all and be all to us is the physical? And what of “our partners”? Do they deserve to be treated like our waste receptacles carelessly using them to try and find some solace for ourselves and then discarding them when they ultimately fail to satiate our deep down desires for wholeness?
My brothers and sisters, you are worth more than that. Find the beauty in self because you will never EVER find it through your loins! If you treat your bodies like a flop house after a while that will be all that it will be good for.
But it is never too late, as long as you have breath in your bodies, it is not too late to make a change, take a different road. At long last I am finding healing and I found it through my relationship with Jesus Christ. He promised to, and is, filling that emptiness that I have had in my soul for so long. And I guarantee that He can do the same for you – He can love you past your pain! And I am not talking about some superficial, genuflecting, religiosity here – but a deep, personal, intimate, loving relationship with Christ. It is possible to have that kind of relationship without sex! And though I have never been the greatest example of a Christ-centered life, by His grace and mercy He has given me the tools and strengthens me to keep trying to get it right through Him on the daily.
To all that I have hurt in my wrong-headed pursuit of healing – I am truly heartsick and sorry for my abuse of your body and spirit. I beg your forgiveness. And to those who are reading this who may still be on the same dead end path (Yes my brothers, There is no great reward waiting for you for getting another notch on your belt) there is Hope and Life available to you RIGHT NOW.
Honestly, we all need healed. So why not go to the Doctor this time instead of trying to bind your wounds one more time unsuccessfully? Trust me, if He can heal a broken down whore and hopeless sinner like me, He can save you too.
Galatians 2:19-20, John 14:27, 2 Timothy 2:8, 2 Corinthians 3:17, Acts 2, Romans 10:9-10
Much Love and God Bless you all.
